Fade into You
by SineadM
Summary: Sonny POV fic which includes some backstory pre Will right up to current events in the show. Will/Sonny; Sonny/OMC


**Notes:** This started with a germ of an idea about why and how Sonny came to say no to going home with Will that night in the coffee house (the day of the sonogram). And then it kind of rambled from there and I'm not really sure what it ended up being! I don't know anything about what Sonny was supposed to be doing before he came to the show and I don't know how old he's supposed to be in the show so I've made some assumptions. This hasn't been beta'd so all mistakes are mine :-)

Sonny met Kevin during his second week in Dublin. It was one of those grey, drizzly Irish days – the receptionist at the hostel had called it soft rain, a phrase that Sonny was still trying to figure out – and he reasoned the rain was as good an excuse as any to duck into the nearest pub. Even after 6 weeks in Europe it was still a novelty to be able to order alcohol without having to use a fake ID and he was determined to make the most of it.

The pub, Mulligans, was just like those postcards he'd seen in the tourist shops over here - lined in worn wood, threadbare cushions covering the seats, an open fire blazing in the corner and three old men sitting on stools at the bar, full pints in front of them and horse racing on the television.

Kevin was the barman, taller than Sonny with short curly dark hair and green eyes which glinted at him from a face covered in a light dusting of freckles. Sonny had never fallen so fast, inexplicably tongue-tied as Kevin asked him what he was having, smilingly recommending the Guinness when Sonny couldn't tear his eyes away from his freckles to focus on the beer taps in front of him. He knew he was being obvious but reasoned that it was okay from the way that Kevin ensured he made his way back to him throughout the night, stopping for a quick chat and always holding his eye for a beat longer than was necessary. And so Sonny spent the night sitting at the counter, his taste for Guinness developing with every pint and people coming and going until all that was left in the pub was him propping up the bar as Kevin cleaned off the tables around him.

Kevin had poured himself a pint when he was finished and the two of them had sat chatting. Kevin was charming, attention totally focused on Sonny and for the first time since he left home Sonny felt that hint of loneliness that had accompanied him since he left fade away. He told Kevin about his trip so far, his travel plans, talking about his family and his life back home. He found himself talking about coming out; about how great most of his family had been but how he had still sometimes felt like a bit of an outsider and how it had led to this trip, to him adventuring through Europe in a clichéd, soapy attempt at "finding himself".

In turn Kevin told him that he was from the west of Ireland, older than Sonny by about five years and had worked in the pub during college and now managed the place. His eyes lit up as he talked about how he wanted to move back home and open his own pub and Sonny felt himself falling harder and faster. He didn't know how long they sat there but when they said goodbye that night he was lost in the teasing lilt of Kevin's voice, the deep green of his eyes and the curve of his smile against the freckles on his face.

Mulligans became one of Sonny's regular hang-outs. It wasn't exactly a young person's place but Sonny loved the comfort of it, loved listening to the stories of the men who spent afternoons and nights sat at the counter. He loved the easy familiarity that developed, loved the occasional sing-song that would take place on a Sunday evening as he listened to those old men sing songs of times long gone by and old hurts that would take longer to forget. And of course he loved spending time with Kevin. He often found himself staying until after closing, helping Kevin close up, the two of them finishing the night over a pint in front of the dwindling fire.

* * *

Two weeks after they met Kevin kissed him.

Sonny had spent the previous five days travelling around the north of Ireland and he was in the middle of telling Kevin about the dog that had chased him along a beach at the Giant's Causeway when Kevin leaned forward on his stool and kissed him.

Sonny felt his breath catch and it took a minute before he responded, arms reaching up around Kevin's neck as he tilted forward precariously on his stool. Kevin tasted like limes, their sweetness mixing with the heady taste of the Guinness they were drinking. The taste felt powerful and for a moment Sonny felt dizzy as his half held hope that Kevin felt the same way as him became a reality. And then Kevin stood, deepening the kiss as he stepped between Sonny's legs, pushing his back against the bar. Suddenly the kiss went from tender to hungry and Sonny was breathless, fighting to stay in the moment as Kevin's hands mapped the contours of his body. The light touch of Kevin's hand across his groin was the jolt that brought him back to himself and he pulled back slightly, panting against Kevin's mouth.

For a minute there was silence except for the sound of their breathing, heavy in the still air. And then without saying anything Kevin leaned in again, kissing him, his hands ghosting southward. Sonny tensed and grabbed Kevin's wrists, halting their downward progress.

"What's the problem?" Kevin pulled back slightly and as he did so Sonny thought he caught a flash of annoyance in the green eyes. "Nothing," Sonny mumbled and felt himself blush at Kevin's quirked eyebrow.

He sat up straighter on the stool, pushing Kevin back slightly with his forward momentum. "I'm a virgin," Sonny said after a minute and he saw the surprise flash across Kevin's face. "And I don't really want my first time to be up against a bar counter."

Kevin laughed at that, resting his hands at Sonny's hips. "Why don't we go back to my place then?" he said softly but Sonny shook his head. "I…..," he ducked his head at his own nervousness. "I'm not quite there yet."

Kevin raised his eyebrows at him. "Seriously? I wouldn't have taken you for a prude."

Sonny frowned, "I'm not, but it's kind of a big deal to me and I just want to be sure."

Kevin stepped away from him and there was a long moment when they just looked at each other. And then Kevin let out a breath and came closer again. "Okay," he said resting his hands on Sonny's waist, "I guess I can live with that. Just don't make me wait too long. And in the meantime, we can still do this, right?" He leaned in, kissing Sonny gently and running his tongue along his bottom lip. Sonny tilted his head up to meet the kiss and if there was a little voice in the back of his head telling him that he shouldn't be left feeling like he had something to apologise for, then the heady rush of Kevin's kiss was enough to wash it away.

And so they fell into….Sonny wasn't quite sure what to call it. Kevin's hours were unsociable to say the least and so Sonny found himself spending a lot of nights in the pub, chatting over the bar whenever the place was quiet enough for Kevin to take a break. Waiting for the place to empty and for Kevin to lock up so they could make out in the corner like teenagers.

There were very few people his own age who frequented the pub but he got to know some of the older men who were to be found there most nights. The Irish had a reputation for storytelling and it proved well founded – he spent hours listening to them recount stories about everything from their own lives to the most recent happenings in their local areas to the weekend sports action. They made Dublin sound like a small village and it reminded Sonny of Salem; where everyone knew everyone else's business and catching up on the local gossip was part of everyday life.

None of the men from the pub or Kevin's friends knew that he and Kevin were more than friends; Kevin said that he didn't want to broadcast it until he was sure of what they were to each other; didn't want to put them under any unnecessary pressure. Sonny, wrapped up in the heady flush of his first love, didn't stop to question it; all he knew was that Kevin completely consumed him and the less time they had to spend with other people the better.

The weeks passed. Sonny got a part time job working in the hostel he was staying in. It was work suited to his personality and he was able to arrange his days off to suit the days Kevin had free. They'd spend those days discovering Dublin and the surrounding areas. Kevin had studied history in college and brought the stories of the past of Dublin's streets and buildings to life. Sonny wasn't used to history which went back further than a few hundred years and as he traced his hands over the case holding the Book of Kells or the walls at Dublin Castle he found it hard to comprehend that they had stories of over a thousand years to tell. He'd smile in wonderment at Kevin and Kevin would smile back, casually brushing his fingers against Sonny's as he took pleasure in Sonny's obvious delight.

* * *

Three months after they met they slept together for the first time.

Sex was something that Sonny had never been in a huge rush to get to just for the sake of doing it. He knew it was sappy but he wanted his first time to mean something; wanted it to be with someone that he felt something for. He knew he was in love with Kevin; hadn't said the words but felt them with every fibre of his being. They hadn't been together long but he'd never felt like this before. When he was with Kevin he felt alive, felt like he could do anything; could be anything he wanted. He was afraid of saying it first; Kevin was older and more experienced and Sonny was afraid of coming across as needy but he wanted to do something to show Kevin that he was all in this.

And so the next time that Kevin's hands wandered down past Sonny's belt, Sonny's hands stayed where they were in Kevin's hair instead of stopping him as they usually did. Kevin paused for a minute, lifting his head from where he was sucking a bruise into Sonny's neck to look down at him. Sonny looked back and he knew his nervousness showed on his face but when Kevin asked him if he was sure his voice was steady as he replied. Kevin smiled at him dipping his head to kiss him and whispering a soft "finally" against his skin.

It was sore and overwhelming and breath-taking and awkward but what stayed with Sonny afterwards was the memory of Kevin's eyes locked on his as he moved inside him just before he came. Kevin was completely unguarded in that moment and he felt like they were connected in a way they hadn't been before. It made something in his chest tighten up and he forced himself to keep his eyes open; to make the moment last as long as possible. And when they both came down from the high and lay spent in a tangle of limbs, Sonny traced the freckles on Kevin's face; too overwhelmed to talk but feeling like he had finally found his place in the world.

* * *

Five months after they met he finally met some of Kevin's friends.

Since the first time they slept together they'd spent even more time at Kevin's place instead of going out. Sonny found he loved sex, loved the feel of their bodies together, loved the highs to which Kevin could bring him with the touch of his hands or his lips. He especially loved the moments afterwards when he lay curled in the circle of Kevin's arms, the two of them whispering together in the dark. He found himself sharing things he never thought he would and although the intimacy of it scared him, he gave himself over to it, trusting in what they had together.

He felt like he was caught up in a dream and although he knew that it wasn't perfect, knew that he should be worried that he hadn't met any of Kevin's friends or family yet or that Kevin wouldn't hold his hand walking down the street, it was easy to forget all of that in favour of remembering the way he felt when Kevin smiled at him or made him breakfast in bed or lay uncomplaining as Sonny traced each freckle on his face with his tongue for the hundredth time.

And then Sonny went out one night with some of the guys from the hostel. Kevin was working and Sonny had welcomed the invitation, belatedly realising that his social life in Dublin revolved mostly around Kevin and Mulligans. They ended up in some late night club and the vodka Sonny had consumed mixed with the dry ice being pumped out by the bucket load by the cheesy club set made him think he was hallucinating when he saw Kevin in the corner of the club, chatting with a couple of guys. Kevin wasn't one for going out much; he said that he spent so much time in a pub that it was the last thing he wanted to do with his time off. And Sonny had never known him to go out after he'd finished work even during the week when the pub closed long before the late night clubs.

A second look confirmed it was him and the pleasant buzz from the vodka spiked into arousal as he practically danced over. He saw the moment Kevin spotted him; his face froze for the briefest of moments before he glanced around at the guys standing around him and then smiled as Sonny approached. "Hey," Kevin said, putting out his hand and Sonny stopped, briefly confused, before realising that to the outside world he was only supposed to be his friend. "Um, hey," he said awkwardly shaking his hand and for the first time since he'd met Kevin he wished for home with a longing so sharp that it took his breath away for a second.

Kevin introduced him around as "my American mate, Sonny" and he spent a while chatting to a couple of the guys before making his excuses and walking away. He met Kevin's eyes briefly as he left but the flash of guilt he saw there didn't make him feel any better.

The apologies Kevin whispered into his skin later that night after he showed up at the hostel, begging Sonny to understand and to give him time didn't make him feel any better either. He felt pathetic but he the pain in Kevin's voice and the sadness in his eyes combined to batter his defences until he was helpless to resist the feel of him in his arms. And as always the sex soothed his doubts and his worries. He found comfort in the intimacy, in the way Kevin touched his body like he was something worth worshiping. And in that moment just before the world exploded in a scream of light and colour they looked at each other and Sonny felt like the most precious thing on earth, held by the man he loved and everything else faded into insignificance.

* * *

Seven months after they met Sonny found out that Kevin was engaged.

Kevin was gone home for the weekend. He went home at least twice a month but Sonny had never been invited. They'd had a fight before he went, Sonny wondering when Kevin was going to tell his family or even some of his friends about him and Kevin arguing that his family wouldn't understand, that he needed time. It was becoming a familiar refrain and Sonny knew that he should be putting up even more of a fight than he was but he was scared of pushing Kevin. It was much easier to let Kevin distract him; to read promises of the future in the way Kevin kissed him or held him instead of demanding them from some sign of public affection.

Their fight had left Sonny drained and the bus full of students who had checked in at the hostel earlier and were currently having a sing song downstairs weren't making him feel any better. He decided to go to Mulligans and although he'd never been there when Kevin wasn't working, the place felt a little bit like home to him and he knew he could drown his sorrows in a quiet pint.

He didn't even notice the balloons or the banner strung up over the fireplace when he first walked in. The place was busier than usual and he'd just taken a seat at the counter when there was a burst of noisy applause from the corner. He glanced over at Seamus, one of the regulars sitting beside him. "Bit more crowded than usual," Sonny said to him as he gestured at the barman for a pint. "What's going on?"

"Young Kev's gone and got himself engaged," Seamus said blithely, glancing around at the group in the corner. "Having themselves a party."

Sonny always thought that it was a clue as to how completely Kevin had duped him that the first words out of his mouth were "Who's Kev?"

Seamus frowned at him and as the meaning of his words began to click in Sonny's mind, he was already frantically arguing with them, trying to convince himself there had to be some sort of mix up. But there was no arguing with the scene in front of him when he half turned on his stool. Bunches of blue and red "You're Engaged" balloons were tied to some of the stools in front of the fireplace. A large banner, one corner tilting precariously, was haphazardly strung along the wall. And underneath it, in the middle of a large group of noisy, chattering people was Kevin, his arm around the shoulders of a slim, dark hard girl. They were whispering together, the girl smiling up at Kevin and Sonny recognised the look on her face because he knew it was the one he wore every time he saw Kevin. The look of someone who was with the person they loved most in the world. And Sonny thought he might be sick.

"Didn't even know he had a girlfriend," Seamus was still talking, "some young lass from home. He kept her quiet didn't he?"

Sonny couldn't speak, couldn't even move to turn away from the party going on in front of him; from the picture of Kevin and that girl. Seamus was still talking; seemingly oblivious to the shock Sonny knew was written across his whole face. And then Kevin glanced up and saw him and froze. He'd obviously tensed because the girl, _**his fiancé**_ Sonny's brain helpfully supplied, looked up as well, glancing back at Kevin when she saw Sonny staring at him. Sonny saw Kevin re-arrange his features, smiling back down at her and then he realised with mounting horror that they were both getting up and coming towards him.

He was completely frozen, he had never wanted to run away so fast in all his life but he didn't think his legs would actually hold him up if he tried to stand. He was still trying to process the fact that Kevin, the guy he had been sleeping with for the past four months, the guy he practically lived with, the guy he was in love with was engaged to someone else and then they were both there standing in front of him. He could read the panic in Kevin's eyes, the "please don't say anything" that was screaming from him as sure as if he had said it out loud.

"Hey," Kevin began awkwardly and Sonny felt his heart pounding against his chest, the thump resonating in his brain and blocking out all other sounds. What the hell was Kevin doing? Did he actually expect him to speak to them, to be introduced to his fucking fiancé and act like there was nothing wrong? Sonny had no clue what his face was showing but it was enough for Seamus to break in after an awkward moment, punching Kevin on the arm and slagging him about being a dark horse. Kevin introduced them – Katie her name was – and Seamus continued to pick up the slack, lifting her hand and admiring the ring. She giggled shyly and wrapped her arm around Kevin's waist and Sonny had to struggle not to be physically sick.

A group of guys he half recognised from that night in the club thankfully came through the door moments later. Kevin and Katie left to greet them and he dimly realised as he saw Katie being introduced around that Kevin had managed to keep her quiet from most of his friends in Dublin.

He had to leave, couldn't watch them any longer and he fumbled for his coat, hanging on a hook under the bar. Seamus closed his hand around his wrist. "I don't know what's going on here lad," he said quietly as Sonny lifted his eyes to meet his, "but I have a fair idea. And after that last five minutes of you looking like you just got run over by a Massey Ferguson and unable to string a sentence together I'd wager that young lass knows something isn't right as well. If you go rushing out of here straight away and leaving that full pint behind you she's going to figure out something definitely ain't right."

"Why should I care?" Sonny had whispered furiously, the anger beginning to take over from the numb shock.

Seamus looked at him sadly. "Because it's her engagement party Sonny. And she's done nothing wrong here."

The words had deflated the anger, leaving him feeling shaky and uncertain. And so he'd stayed, finished his pint and then Seamus had left with him, the older man drawing the attention of Kevin and his friends so that Sonny could slip out unnoticed.

He'd checked into a different hostel for two days and he spent most of those two days curled on his bed, alternatively sobbing into the sheets and replaying the picture of Kevin smiling down at Katie in his mind. On the third day all he felt was anger and he welcomed it, sick of crying into his pillow like some lovesick teenager. He went back to his hostel and turned his phone back on; both had numerous messages from Kevin and he wasn't surprised when he opened the door of his room that night to find Kevin there, body hunched in on himself like he expected Sonny to start raining blows down upon him.

He shouted at him, asked him to explain. Shoved and pushed at him as he asked Kevin to make him understand how he could have hurt him like this. Kevin had sat on the edge of his bed, Sonny sliding down the wall opposite him to sit on the floor and he'd told him about how he'd been with Katie since secondary school, how she lived at home in Galway and so he'd been able to keep her separate from his life in Dublin. How it was easier to continue to stay with her, to plan a life with her instead of facing the fact that maybe the life he'd always pictured for himself was not the life he actually wanted.

When Kevin finished talking his breath was hitching, his face streaked in tears. Sonny still sat opposite him, his head in his hands. Kevin slid down off the bed, sitting back against it.

"Sonny," he began again haltingly. "Please baby," he whispered when Sonny didn't look up at him. Sonny flinched at the endearment, shaking his head.

"Don't," he said brokenly, the word even more muffled from behind his hands. He felt the tears run down his face through his hands but he didn't have the energy to even lift his head, never mind say anything. And so they both sat there for hours, their hiccupping sobs the only sound in the stillness of the room until the quiet click of the lock sounded hours later and Sonny lifted his head to find himself alone.

* * *

In the eighth month after they met Sonny slept with Kevin four times.

His anger had deflated and all that was left was an overwhelming sadness, sapping all his energy. He missed Kevin, felt like a piece of his life was missing. And so when Kevin showed up at his door again, Sonny let him in. Let Kevin take him to bed, whisper those apologies into his skin like he had done before. Let himself believe the promises; that Kevin was going to tell his family, tell Katie; that he loved Sonny, wanted to see the world with him, wanted to be with him. Making love to him still made Sonny feel like the most precious thing in his life.

It was the easiest thing in the world to convince himself that this would fix all their problems. Until it wasn't. Until it was clear that it wasn't fixing anything. Until Sonny just felt used and cheap and even more broken. Until Sonny faced the reality that the man he loved didn't love him enough to claim him as his own.

And so he left, quietly packing his bags one day. He slipped into Mulligans that evening when he knew Kevin wasn't working to say goodbye to Seamus. "Good luck lad," Seamus smiled at him, "hope you find what you're looking for out there."

He'd spent thirteen months travelling around Europe, not staying long in any one place. He saw some amazing places and met some great people but it took him seven months before he stopped wondering what Kevin would have thought of each place he went, what he would have liked and what he wouldn't. It took him seven months to stop comparing every single guy he came across to Kevin. And then one night he was in a bar in Munich, chatting to a guy from Australia and after an hour he realised that he hadn't thought about Kevin all night. He'd smiled without realising it and when the guy asked him what he was smiling about Sonny just shrugged. "Moving on."

* * *

Two years after he met Kevin he went home.

One week later he met Will.

* * *

Falling for Will scared him. The last time he'd felt like this was with Kevin and it terrified him to feel like that again. But Will was everything Kevin wasn't. It had taken him a while to come to terms with being gay but once he'd come out that was it; there was no hiding anymore. He held Sonny's hand walking down the street, kissed him in the middle of Horton Square, made no secret of the fact that they were together.

He was adorably shy sometimes; that bashful smile breaking out across his face was like the sun coming out in the morning and it made Sonny smile every time. He knew he was in love with him long before Will ever realised he had feelings for him and that day Will had come into the coffee house all awkward fumbling and stuttered speech to tell him that he felt the same way was maybe the best day of Sonny's life.

* * *

Two months after they started going out they slept together. He'd told Will that he hadn't been a monk before him and that was true. But he hadn't slept with anyone he'd been in love with since Kevin. It hadn't meant this much to him in a long time. And as he looked at Will moving underneath him, blue eyes blown black with arousal, lips swollen and bitten and parted on a gasp he had to close his eyes for a minute to keep from coming right there and then. Will touched his face gently and when he opened his eyes again that bashful, shy smile was there looking up at him and he saw the question in Will's face. He couldn't find the words to explain, to even begin to describe the way that he was feeling and so he just smiled back, dipping his head to rest their foreheads together as he gathered Will to him, pressing deeper inside as the world splintered into a mess of sound and colour and light and overtook him.

* * *

Three months after he started going out with Will, Sonny had a friend request from Kevin on facebook. He actually froze as he saw the name on the request, mind going completely blank for a long minute as he simply stared at the screen.

"Hey, I have to go, I have an Calc tutorial at 10." Will said as he leaned down behind him and circled his arms around Sonny's neck, looking over his shoulder at the computer and startling him out of his stupor. Sonny spun the chair around dislodging Will's arms. He looked up at him for a second before pulling him down to sit on his lap. Will laughed, raising his eyebrows at him as he looped his arms around Sonny's neck again.

"I have to go," he said smiling.

"I know," Sonny tightened his arms around his waist, "I just want to say goodbye to you properly."

"I can get on board with that," Will waggled his eyebrows at him and Sonny laughed, the tension bleeding from his body.

"You're such a goof," he teased and Will shrugged.

"You love me anyway."

"That I do," Sonny grinned at him.

Will dipped his head and kissed him, breath hitching as Sonny dipped his fingers under Will's t-shirt. Sonny could feel Will's hands in his hair and he arched his back, trying to taste as much of him as possible. After a minute he felt Will tug on his hair and he tilted his head back, smiling up at him as they tried to catch their breath.

"I have to go," Will rubbed his nose against his. "I've already missed three tutorials this week because you keep distracting me."

Sonny laughed and stretched his head up again to kiss him briefly. "Go on then, go get educated."

"We are definitely picking this up later though," Will smirked as he climbed off his lap and Sonny smiled at him before turning back to the computer, his eyes catching again on Kevin's name on the friend request.

"Hey," Will's voice came quietly from the door, "I love you too," he said softly as Sonny turned his head, before Will slung his backpack on his shoulder and closed the door behind him.

Sonny smiled to himself and without letting himself think about it any longer he clicked the decline button on the request and shut down the lid of the laptop.

* * *

"So, are you gonna tell me who he is?" Will asked him later that night as they lay curled around each other in bed. He was lying across Will's chest, Will twirling strands of his hair with his fingers, his other hand lightly tracing patterns on his back.

"And don't even try to pretend you don't know what I'm talking about," he went on, "I saw you spacing out at the computer screen. And I just felt you totally tense up."

There was silence but Will didn't stop his hands moving, letting Sonny come to it in his own time.

"My ex-boyfriend," Sonny said after a minute as he moved up the bed to lie beside Will. Will turned on his side to face him, tucking his hands under his pillow. "My first boyfriend."

"You've never told me about him." Will said quietly and Sonny could see the memory of the argument they'd had about Will's questions about his past lurking behind his eyes. He cleared this throat and Will shifted, moving slightly closer to him but not saying anything. He met Will's gaze and Will smiled at him, reaching out his finger after a minute to tickle Sonny's nose and making him laugh. He knew it was Will's way of saying that he didn't need to tell him if he didn't want to and something bright flooded through Sonny's chest at the gesture.

"I met him in Ireland," Sonny said after a minute. "He was the first guy I ever fell in love with. The first guy I ever slept with. But," he shrugged slightly, "it didn't work out."

"What happened?" Will frowned at him and Sonny reached out a finger to trace along the crease in his forehead.

"He lied to me about something. Something big. And then when I found out…..Well it wasn't something we could get past."

Will had ducked his head and when he looked back up it was Sonny's turn to frown at him. Will looked inexplicably sad and as Sonny moved to cradle his jaw, Will flinched ever so slightly. He tried to cover it with a shaky smile but Sonny had learned to read him a long time ago.

"What?"

It was like he could actually see Will forcing himself to act normal, to shake off whatever had suddenly overcome him. And then the moment passed, the shadow cleared from Will's face and it happened so fast that Sonny wasn't sure if he'd imagined it.

"Nothing," Will gave him a small smile. "I just don't like hearing about anyone hurting you."

Sonny let out a small laugh. "Yeah, well I was only nineteen and I thought I'd met the love of my life. Turns out I didn't know anything about it."

"Hey," Will said punching his arm lightly. "I'm only nineteen and I've met the love of my life."

The way Will said the words without any trace of awkwardness made Sonny's chest hurt. He spoke as if it was the most obvious fact in the world. It reminded him of how he'd felt about Kevin; how sure he was that he was the one, that nothing would ever change the way he felt about him.

"Hey," Will said again, pouting slightly. "You're not allowed look sad after I've just told you you're the love of my life, you could do real damage to a guy's ego."

Although he knew that Will was purposely trying to distract him from the memories, it made him smile. "You're cute when you pout, you know that?" he grinned and Will frowned at him.

"Pout? Five year olds pout. That was my sexy, sad, come kiss me better face." Sonny burst out laughing and Will sat up, rolling over so he was lying on top of Sonny, his elbows holding him up.

"My sexy, sad, come kiss me face makes you laugh?" he said in mock outrage and Sonny nodded at him seriously.

"I think you need to work on it," Sonny whispered and Will couldn't stop the smile that spread across his face.

He stretched his arms out along Sonny's head, lowering his body to rest fully on top of Sonny's.

"I think I might need some help," Will whispered back. Sonny didn't say anything, just traced his fingers over the knobs of Will's spine as he looked up into the blue eyes that had become one of his favourite things in the world.

And just before Will dipped his head to kiss him he thought he saw it again; that shadow in Will's eyes that told him something was wrong but then Will was kissing him and everything else ceased to matter.

* * *

Four months after he starting going out with Will he found out that Will was the father of Gabi's baby. He remembered that night he'd walked in on Kevin and Katie's engagement party. He remembered feeling like someone had stabbed him over and over again. He remembered every single heart breaking moment of it.

And yet it was nothing compared to this. He felt like he might actually die; he couldn't catch his breath, he felt like his heart was literally breaking into pieces. He went straight home and when he walked in the door the first thing he saw was Will's duffle bag, still full of clothes and sitting on the edge of the bed. He stared at it for a full minute and then he just broke, dropping to the floor from where he stood, curling around himself, tears flooding down his cheeks and sobs wracking his whole body.

He didn't know how long he'd stayed there but Will banging on the door was the next thing he was fully aware of. He'd gotten up on autopilot and when he opened the door Will stood there, eyes puffy and red from crying, face pleading at him and all Sonny wanted to do was pull him into his arms and hold him.

"Sonny," Will said, voice hoarse and tears bright in his eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I never meant to lie to you, it just….I didn't know how to tell you and then…..it all just spiralled out of control and I was afraid of losing you…..and I know that's no excuse….please just believe me…..I never meant to hurt you."

"How long?" Sonny asked surprised at how level his voice sounded given that he felt like he was going to throw up at any minute.

The question stopped Will in his tracks. "How long what?" he asked, that damn crinkle appearing in his forehead as he frowned.

"How long have you known?" Sonny clarified. "How long have you been lying to me?"

Will's face dropped and he looked down at the floor as he answered. "Two months," he said quietly and Sonny couldn't stop the choked sob he let out. He felt his legs give way a little underneath him and put his hand on the wall to support himself.

"Please," Will said, tears now fully streaming down his cheeks, "please let me explain."

Sonny could only look at him. How did he think he could explain this? What words did he think could possibly make this better again? The expression on Will's face reminded him of a child who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, sure that his puppy dog eyes and earnest explanations would get him out of trouble. He was tired of it, tired of giving his heart to people who just turned around and walked all over it, like it wasn't something worth protecting.

"I can't Will…..I can't hear your excuses, please just leave me alone." Sonny didn't meet Will's eyes as he spoke, keeping his gaze fixed on the ground.

"Please…Sonny," Will choked out and as he saw Will's hands reach out for him he took a step back into the room.

"Don't," Sonny spat at him, finally looking at him. "You don't get to do that anymore. You don't get to touch me, you don't get to come here, you don't get to be with me. You lied to me Will. For two months. Two whole fucking months. After I asked you time and time again what was wrong, what was going on? You just kept lying. How am I supposed to ever trust you again?"

He knew he was shouting, knew that his neighbours could probably hear. But he didn't care. Because the one person he loved more than anyone in the world had just completely torn his world apart.

Will looked like someone had slapped him and it irrationally made Sonny even angrier. He loved him so goddamn much, it hurt him to see Will sad. And how bloody ridiculous was that? How could one person have so much power over him?

"Go Will," he said finally, "just go. I can't….I just can't….." he shook his head, not sure what he was trying to say but Will nodded slightly at him.

"Okay," Will said wiping his hands over his face and taking a deep breath. "But I want you to know that I'm sorry…..I am so sorry. And I love you…..and I know that you probably don't believe that right now," he said, standing a little bit straighter. "But I do. And I'm not giving up on us. You're right – I don't have the right to be with you anymore, but I do have the right to fight for this, for us."

Will had left and when Sonny collapsed on the bed he buried his face in sheets that smelled of Will and cried.

* * *

It was a whole month before he could even look at Will without feeling angry. And yet it wasn't just anger. He was also sad because he knew what they'd lost, knew what he'd lost. And then that just made him angry again because Will had thrown it all away. He was exhausted and angry and sad but most of all he was just completely heart-broken. He missed Will like there was a piece of himself missing, the colours of his life muted by his absence. He still went to text him about five times a day to tell him about some random customer he'd had in or about how boring his Econ lecture was or how he'd just heard some cool song on the radio. He would have Will's name up on the screen and sometimes half the message typed before he'd remember. Sometimes it was all he could do not to call him or knock on his door or just accost him in the coffee house and pull him into his arms.

He'd almost given in that night Will had come from the sonogram, eyes sparkling as he spoke about his daughter. He looked so much like the old Will that for a minute Sonny had forgotten and had smiled at him, just like before. "A girl?" he'd asked and Will's smile had gotten brighter and Sonny couldn't help but smile back. And then Will was kissing him and Sonny thought his heart was going to beat right out of his chest. Will in his arms felt like coming home and so he kissed him back, hands grasping at any part of him he could reach.

Will had pulled back as he went to untie Sonny's apron and Sonny had never had to fight so hard in all his life not to give in completely to it. It would be so easy to just lose himself in Will, to let himself forget about everything even if it was just for one night. To just pretend that nothing had happened. But he'd been down that road before and he knew that that's all it would have been: pretending.

He'd slept with Kevin to try to forget; to try to get back what they'd had and it had only made things worse. It had made what they had feel cheap and he knew that what he and Will had was worth more than that.

And so he had pulled back and stopped Will and saying no into those blue eyes that were looking at him like he was the whole world was one of the hardest things he had ever done. And as he watched Will walk out the door he felt like his heart was breaking all over again.

* * *

They settled into a sort of weird half friends, half not vibe. The anger had mostly faded. Will had explained in so far as he could; how he'd ended up sleeping with Gabi; how he'd agreed that Nick would pretend to be the father; what he'd been thinking during those months. And although Sonny still didn't fully get it, he understood enough to know that in his own way Will had been trying to protect their relationship.

Their friendship was tenuous at best. Sonny knew he was still in love with Will; his smile still made his breath catch; he still had to fight not to reach out and touch him when they were together. Will had gotten into the habit of coming by to help Sonny close up and then they'd have coffee after, just the two of them alone in the quiet coffee house. And Sonny knew he should probably tell him to stop, knew that intimate, quiet chats late at night were only going to lead to one thing but he rationalised it by arguing to himself that they were friends and friends hung out all the time.

It was harder to rationalise when they'd get caught in a moment together which seemed to be happening increasingly often. They'd be laughing or talking and then they'd end up just looking at each other, Will smiling shyly at him and chewing his lip. Sonny would feel like he could literally see the vibration in the air between them. He knew that all it would take was for one of them to make the slightest move forward and that would be it. But he knew Will well enough to know that he wasn't going to do it. That Will was afraid that if he pushed it, if he made that first move that Sonny would go running. And Sonny was afraid – afraid to trust Will, to put his heart back out there.

And then one night about a month before the baby was due Will hadn't arrived when Sonny went to close up. To say he'd had a shitty day would be an understatement. He had two papers due for college that he was supposed to have had done that day but one of his baristas had called in sick and so he had to cover their shift. He'd had a fight with his Mom because she'd been nagging him about spending time with Will and he knew he'd totally overreacted so he felt guilty. The cappuccino machine had broken down just before the lunch rush and he'd spent an hour trying to fix it only for it to literally blow up in his face, foamy milk spraying all over him. Just before he closed up he'd been subjected to a five minute rant from a customer about how she'd paid for her coffee and so was entitled to take the time to drink it, even though she'd bought it over forty minutes beforehand and the coffee house opening hours were right there on the wall for her to see. And now he had a splitting headache.

He'd been looking forward to seeing Will, needing something to get him through the particular brand of crap that was the day he was having. But Will was never this late and so he assumed he wasn't coming and out of all the shit that had gone wrong that day Will not being there, unreasonably, seemed to be the worst thing of all.

Sonny had just locked the door and collapsed onto the couch when there was a knock on the door.

"We're closed," he shouted, kicking his foot against the end of the couch to punctuate the statement.

"Sonny?" Will's voice was tentative but Sonny couldn't ignore how just the sound of him lifted his mood automatically.

"Sorry I'm late, got caught up at the library" he grinned when Sonny opened the door, backpack on his shoulder and rubbing his hands together from the cold. He had no gloves or scarf on even though it was freezing outside and something in Sonny's stomach flipped at the sight of him.

"What's up with you?" Will continued as he came inside, throwing his bag down in the corner and turning to face Sonny. "You look like crap"

"Jeez thanks," Sonny huffed and Will bit his lip, smiling at him. "I've just had the shittiest day," Sonny said letting out a breath.

Will studied him for a moment, then putting his hands on Sonny's arm he manoeuvred him over to the couch.

"Okay, you sit down. I'll make you some coffee. Have you had anything to eat?" When Sonny shook his head, Will frowned. "All day?"

"I had breakfast," Sonny said sheepishly and Will rolled his eyes.

"You know you get grumpy when you're hungry," he admonished and Sonny glared at him. "No I don't."

"Yes you do," Will mocked him. "Do you need examples? 'Cause I have 'em. Remember that time we went to Allie's school play and you hadn't eaten and that little old woman…"

"Okay, okay fine, I get grumpy when I'm hungry," Sonny interrupted and Will smirked at him. "I'll make you some food."

"You don't have to do that Will," Sonny said, resting his head on the back of the couch.

Will smiled softly at him. "I know but I want to."

Sonny closed his eyes and listened to the sound of Will pottering around the small kitchen area. He'd put on some soft music in the back and he was humming along quietly to it. It made Sonny smile his first real smile of the day and he felt the headache finally start to lift slightly.

"Here," Will's voice came quietly from beside him and he opened his eyes to see a steaming cup and a plate with a panini and some crisps on the table beside the couch. Will sat beside him as Sonny lifted the cup, sniffing it.

"Chamomile tea," Will said before Sonny could ask. "It's good for headaches."

"How…" Sonny began.

"You always scrunch up your eyes when you have a headache," Will said ducking his head as a slight colour rose in his cheeks. "And you hold your neck really straight."

Sonny felt something stutter in his chest and he swallowed against the lump in his throat. Putting his cup back down on the table he turned slightly to face Will. He wanted to say something; wanted to get this right but the words wouldn't come. And so he just leaned over slightly, moving his hand to rest at the back of Will's head.

"Sonny?" Will asked shakily. The nervousness on Will's face came through in his voice but Sonny could also hear the trace of hopefulness that he was trying to hide.

Sonny still didn't say anything, just kept moving forward and when his lips met Will's he couldn't help the sigh that escaped him. It wasn't even much of a kiss; Will was tentative underneath him, perhaps afraid of breaking the moment and Sonny was completely overwhelmed by just the feel of Will's lips under his after so long.

They pulled back after a minute and Will looked at him uncertainly. "Are you sure?" he whispered, moving his thumb to stroke across Sonny's cheek.

Sonny shifted closer to him. "I'm tired of being without you Will. I mean, I had the most rotten day today. And then when I thought you weren't coming it….I guess I realised just how much I wanted to see you. And then you got here and it like….it instantly made everything seem so much better." Will bit his lip at Sonny's words and the shy smile that started to spread across his face was like the morning light lighting up the room. "And I'm not saying that….you know….I'm okay with everything or that we still don't have stuff to work out, because we do. But I want to work it out with you."

Will's smile was in full bloom now and Sonny couldn't help but smile back at him. Will moved his hand to run through Sonny's hair and then they were kissing again but this time it was lips and tongues and teeth and hands and trying to make up for months apart in a single few minutes.

Will pulled back and his breathless smile was the most beautiful thing Sonny had ever seen.

"I love you." Will said. "I love you so much." Sonny pulled him in to his arms, holding him tightly. "I know," he said as he turned his head slightly to kiss Will's cheek. "I love you too."

Saying it after so long felt like a release, as if the words had just been chained down there trying to escape. Will stood, holding out his hand to Sonny.

"Take me home?" his face was shining; eyes bluer than Sonny had ever seen them.

And so two years after he'd met Will, seven months after they'd first started going out and three months after they'd broken up he found himself standing up, taking Will's hand and letting himself fall in love all over again.


End file.
